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When newly commissioned as a Lieutenant in the Army, the newbie was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long document came around with a covering sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. He figured it must mean him too, so he read and initialled it.
However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to the raw officer. An attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."
So he did.
Is this what Kenties chat about?
At a nursing home in a dark corner of England, a group of senior ex-Kenties were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of tea," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my tea," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can all still drive ..."
You know when middle age has hit ...
... when you choose your cereal because of the fibre rather than the toy ...
Kids write about the sea.....
- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
- Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
- If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
- Sharks are mean a ugly and have big teeth just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
- My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
- When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
- I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
- I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
- When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
- Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
- On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)
FIFTY signs to say you've grown up!!
- You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
- You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before.
- You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
- Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
- All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.
- Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.
- Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.
- You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.
- Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of most of the things that are in it.
- You start to worry about your parents' health.
- You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between £200 and £500.
- You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.
- Pop music all starts to sound the same.
- You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.
- You always have enough milk in.
- To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
- While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
- The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
- You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
- You wish you had a shed.
- You have a shed.
- You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 4 TV channels" and "Not in my day...."
- Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.
- Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at rowdy school children.
- When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.
- You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me"?
- Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
- Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 6.00am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
- You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
- You watch the Weather Channel.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."
- You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
- You're the one calling the police because those %&@1. kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
- You take afternoon naps from noon to 6pm.
- Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
- If you're a woman, you go to the chemist for Ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
- A £2.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
- "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
- You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.